Theres so much to write, I dont even know how to put it all in words

This isn't my normal account.

I really don't want to post it on my real account.

Before I start, I would like you to know that I'm not doing this for attention,

Please don't leave comments saying that Im an emo fuck.

I've only been open about this to one person, and not fully.

I really don't know where to start..

I guess I could just tell the story.

When I was 15, I met a boy online.

He was great. I liked everything about him.

We had everything in commen, it was amazing.

I had never met anyone like him in my whole life.

He helped me through a lot, when I had no one.

I fell.. in love with him, you could say?

about 7 monthes into our 'friendship', I told him that I was visiting my aunt, who had lived less than 30 minutes away from him.

but I had to stay with my mother before I went there.

My mom woulden't let me leave.

She was really abusive, and pretty much made me do everything.

Her drug runs, cleaning, cooking, everything. haha.

about three monthes later, me and that boy had been talking for a while.

And I started to fall more and more in love with him by the day.

I told him that I coulden't talk to him anymore.

and I wrote him this really long Email, explaining why.

I locked my computer in my closet, and threw away the key, hahaha.

about three days later, I found it, and got on the computer.

He left me a really long Email telling me that he felt the same way,

a lot of offline messagess.

telling me that he loved me and what not.

I guess we were kind of in a relationship.

We acted like it.

He told me that he wanted me to wait until I could get there, so he could actually ask me so it would mean moree.

We were together for about two years, he told me that he would do anything for me,

that he would wait for me for as long as it takes.

that he dreams of me every night.

he's never met anyone more amazing as I am.

that he would never leave me alone.

Hes never loved another person as much as hes loved me.

He would never cheat on me, nor do anything to risk our relationship.

that he wanted to spend every second of his life with me,

and expierence every fantasy with me.

But when I met him. he was really suicidal about his X.

I helped him through it mostly.

I always had bad dreams, about him, and how he would find someone better..

someone that he could actually touch.

maybe they would get back together, maybe he'd be happier.

It would literally kill me inside.

I would spend literally everyday crying about it.

In time, I found out that he.. was cheating on me with her.

I made him feel horrible about it.

He said that I deserved much better..

And these things have happend before, him not liking himself, and suicidal things like that.

But this time.. he actually killed himself.

He made me promise that I woulednt call the cops, or do anything to myself.

He slit his throat on the phone with me..

I stayed on the phone with him until his grandparents got homee.

Im 18 now.

Sorry if this isnt making much sense, its really hard to type right now, heh.

Everynight.. I wake up from dreaming about him..

Crying.

Nothings getting better.

Things are just getting worse.

I cant think straight, I hate myself.

I just need help.. and I dont want to see a conceler.

I dont know what Im expecting, but I really really need to do something.

This is tearing me appart.

Im.. really afraid if I dont do something about it soon, I'm going to end up doing something stupid